cover letters.
they are the epitome of bullshit, even more so than résumés. because at least résumés are functional; you get to be all listy and lay out all your amazingness, and yeah of course you jazz it up, but at least it's a useful document.
cover letters on the other hand?
pure ass-kissing literature. they are designed to coat your alleged superhero wonderfulness in a fine layer of professional sugar.
when it really comes down to it though, the importance lies in this one fact: no matter how amazing you claim to be, no matter what big important words you use in your wankery fest, all you truly are is a pile of shit, attracting flies and stinking up the place, hoping everyone will be distracted by your big goofy crest-white smile.
you are not a unique snowflake, chuck palahniuk says.
and as per usual, mr. p is right.
your MBAs, your first aid certification, your one-line cameo in that summer blockbuster, your volunteering at the orphanage, your meeting brad pitt, your latin tutoring, your yoga-rock-climbing-snowboarding-bungee-jumping-sky-diving-rollerblading lifestyle, your agent of the week awards, take them all away, because they reveal nothing about your nature, your attitude, your work ethic, or any of the stuff employers should actually be thinking about.
but of course, that is what the job interview is for. the cover letter is simply proof that you can bullshit a professional attitude in paper - at the interview, they get to see if you can walk the talk.
zaboon means language in persian, but if you were to boast about your multiple zaboon to an iranian employer, you would be laughed out of their office in a matter of seconds.
why?
because as my friend sam reminded me the other day, zaboon also means tongue.
and no employer wants a multi-tongued freak. i dunno, start busking on the street. or start a fetish cult. the circus called, they want you bad. but please, get out of my office, now. *
i started this entry this morning without realizing that by the time i'd get home, i'd have a message from a kiddy recreation centre requesting an interview, because i'd impressed them with my big, fat, obnoxious cover letter.
now, don't get your hopes up, what if it turns out to be ass? if this is the case, i'll blog about that, if it's cool and i actually get the job, i'll blog about that as well.
until then, i am brushing up on my science basics because that's what i would be teaching to the little snotrags.
and little old artsy fartsy scatterbrained me, who never took science past the obligatory grade ten level, doesn't know what a nuclei really is. or how electricity actually works. call me dumb, but it's fuckin true and i'm not going in there not knowing why the sky is blue.
wish me good luck.
* the correct usage of the term zaboon would obviously be something like, "zaboon meedoonam" meaning "i know the language". no one would be dumb enough to say they have multiple zaboons, but it just struck me as funny thinking about a multi-tongued creature who can only find a job in a circus freak show. anyways.
