some people let it spring loose. others don't. i let mine go some time ago. but while i'm aware of this, i'm also aware that something doesn't fit. there is one jigsaw puzzle piece up there that doesn't have the right cut. and it's pissing me off.
i have wanted to blog about this for absolutely forever, but i've never had the guts to share my craziness. but it's fuckin time.
last year during the summer, about a week before i got bell's palsy, i wrote an entry about how clear headed i felt. ideas and words and logic came to me very easily, and i was more capable of thinking and planning ahead. for the first time ever, i didn't feel absent-minded, neither did i forget things. my brain has always zoned out whenever possible, and during a week i could not bring myself to space out. it was purely impossible.
at the time, i thought i had matured mentally. i thought that this was a change brought on by adulthood. and i didn't question it, because well, my brain kicked ass.
within a week it was gone. the spaciness was back, i couldn't come up with jokes anymore, and my memory was just as shitty. for a week i felt like wonderwoman, but
poof! off it went.
why it came, i have no idea. i was not under any stress at that particular time. my work environment, my relationship with my boyfriend, my friends and family, everything was chill. it made no sense at all. i didn't say anything because at the time, i thought maybe i had imagined the entire thing. plus it just sounded so fuckin crazy in my head.
off i go to england, and when i returned, after three beautiful weeks of gorgeous london vacation, the clearthink was back. this time it lasted a shorter period of time, but it also faded away instead of disappearing into a cloud of smoke. once again, i was confused as fuck.
i told dom. i did some research on the net. the closest thing i could think of was ADD. i researched the fuck out of it, but only a few symptoms really matched the disorder. but at this point i was willing to try anything to bring it back. and i had read that having a particular diet could help ADD patients. so, for a few weeks i incorporated flax seed oil and a lot of omegas into my diet, and tried some vitamins. it didn't work so i just gave up and forgot about it.
next year rolls around. i don't get into ryerson, i give up on my play, and i feel like a failure. i start realizing that had i been clearheaded, i may have gotten into ryerson, and i would've been able to finish my play.
since then i've been ridiculously depressed about the whole thing. each time i get into an argument or forget something, i start crying. i can't express myself as well, the words just don't come, and no matter how anal i am with my agenda book, i still forget things.
i cried for three weeks straight. now it's about three to six times a week. i did some more research. i stumbled upon nootropics, a type of nontoxic drug that is supposed to help with cognitive brain functions. it has been used as treatment for alzheimers, parkinsons, ADD, down syndrome, and epilepsy.
i found about nootropics through this article, by a particular james south. this guy is huge on nootropics. he discusses the various supplements one can take for ADD, and at the end he focuses entirely on major nootropic drugs.
i have done a lot of research on nootropics. essentially, many people, including doctors and neurologists have no idea what it is. while it is commonly used in europe for all the previous disorders and diseases i have mentioned, it is not approved by the FDA or health canada. yet it can be prescribed under very certain conditions. there is even a lab in my own city that will include piracetam (the first nootropic) in their drug therapy line for down syndrome patients. i discovered rec.drugs.smart, and since then i've been doing excessive research on medline, through my university library account.
many studies have been inconclusive, but there have been a few that have shown considerable improvement for cognitive brain defects. a lot of the people on rec.drugs.smart just take it recreationally, for improved mental functioning essentially (these people don't have parkinsons or alzheimers). you can order it overseas, and customs don't appear to have an issue with it, as long as it's less than three months supply. this could all be bullshit, as i'm only referring to information i have read from various people on this newsgroup. so for all i know, it could be illegal.
taking nootropics has been described as having your brain awoken. but the problem is, many of the results are case studies and testimonials, which is a very iffy way to determine how effective a drug is. and since there don't appear to be any studies done on normal people, there really is no concrete evidence that it would have an effect on typical healthy people. many people consider it to be a sham.
i have a doctor's appointment in two days. i'm going to mention all of this, including the nootropics. i'm also going to mention the seizures i've been experiencing. they first started out as headrushes, then i started not being able to see properly when it happened, then my vision started blacking out completely, then i started losing the ability to control my muscles and i would start shaking, for about 5-15 seconds. this only happens maybe one to two times a year, and because it's so rare, i don't even think about it. but i think it's time it should be addressed.
i'm really scared. i am printing out some information for my doctor about nootropics, as she won't know about them (i can almost guarantee this - i asked a guest lecturer in my psychology class about nootropics and she had no idea what they were). what i'm afraid of is being told there is nothing and that it's all in my head. or being prescribed ritalin or strattera or something similar. i want to try nootropics. they are not harmful, and if they are a sham, then i will know for sure.
we've learned about various brain tests in my psych class, and i already know i won't have anything done. they're all too expensive and my issue is obviously not harmful, nor has it impaired my day-to-day functions.
but fuck, i want answers.
i want them now.
