but my gut simply does not allow me to intoxicate my body all day long. thank you, irritable bowel syndrome. this means my alcholic killjoy abilities are as finely tuned as a samurai sword, only not anywhere near as slick. in fact, it's not slick at all. it's rather, lame. in a party scenario where this becomes a bit of an emergency and i feel like the patronizing cold-hearted designated driver mother hen, i am essentially screwed.so when i said drunk for breakfast, i really meant, buzzed for breakfast and for the rest of the weekend, kiddo is too bloated to consume anything ever again. people who can actually kick back a pitcher of beer on an empty stomach that early in the day astound me. when did your body start relying on toxins to operate, people?! good gawd.
in other words, my weekend was pretty fucking stupid. in fact, the only highlight of the past week was buying a three hundred gigobyte sized hard drive (with the help of shizzle, thank you brotha) which means i am now officially an ambitious pirate. no longer will my puny 30 gig fanny pack of a treasure chest need to choke and heave the instant someone whispers "bittorrent." but i must say, after purchasing such a luxurious item, i feel slighly off, like it was sacrilege for a person of my weight, size, and gender, to have purchased something with such colourful blue LED lights.
in fact, i suspect the new hard drive has picked up on the lack of three hundred pounds of flab, testicles and a small penis in this household, and it is not very happy.* please hard drive, don't give up. fourty three gigobytes of the gilmore girls, c'mon, you can do it!
oh, stereotypes. how i love thee.
ps. is there anything out there that is olive on the outside and white on the inside? because i can't think of anything to describe white persian girls, and i totally am one. valley girl represent.
* ok, room? i dunno. just don't make any jokes about how i know how large my dad's peepee is, because i don't. and that's gross. fuck, i don't even know how i typed that. ughhh... i'm gonna go rinse myself in formaldehyde now...
