07/03/2003
Guys I previously dated have, for the most part, been assholes, or creeps, or a little bit of both. Which is why I never stuck with them long, and had never really considered them "boyfriends." It simply never reached that level because I never let it, or because they just wanted someone to fuck around with. One in particular, this guy I met off XVI, had written in his profile, in his hobbies section, about how he liked "people who didn't build mental prisons for themselves." This really struck me.
I never considered myself as a person who lived in their own angsty delusional world, until about less than a week ago. I got into a little argument type thing with my boyfriend and well, I won't bore you with the details but let's just say, I was being really idiotic and too emotional for my own good. It was then that I realized how fuckin oversensitive I am at times, and how unfocused my life has been because for all 19 years of my life I've simply depended on my feelings to do shit. I would never hand in homework, do laundry, or clean up my room, or do errands or ANYTHING people asked me to do, because I felt like I was unstuck in time, and nothing could touch me. And even though people would get angry and ask me why I hadn't done whatever they'd asked me to do, I'd feel bad, maybe only for a millisecond. It's OK to live in the moment, but it's not OK to just sit and stare at the wall for nineteen years of your life. I feel like I haven't done anything useful, it's like I'm building towards something by doing menial tasks (like doing fuckin' tech support) and I don't think I'd ever even be ready for when my break comes (going to university), because I'm so fuckin out of it half the time. Too scared and lazy to take headshots, too scared and lazy to explore theatre because I feel like I'd fail at it no matter how hard I tried.
Now, everything is completely different.
After I'd allowed my brain overcome my irrational feelings, I felt not only a lot better, but I felt like I actually understood logic for the first time. You have to understand that I've never been a logical person. I've always asked people for advice for really stupid things like "I feel like stealing, should I? Or should I not?" Stupid shit that just wouldn't make sense to me, maybe because I rejected it, maybe because I didn't understand how to use that part of my brain. I've had horrible math grades because I never focused on learning math's sense of logic. My own sense of logic is pretty much 180 degrees different from everybody else's, and I'd always been extremely horrible at trying to explain or describe situations to people because I'd never tell a story in chronological order, I'd do it sort of the way magazines are set up, the contents page is about 20 pages in after a gazillion ads, and only a few odd pages are numbered for your convenience.
For the next few days I've kept on making sense, and I keep marvelling at how much better I can deal with things. I sort of feel like Neo after he was able to warp and twist the Matrix.
Now that I've reached this level, I'm not afraid to go out and be good at stuff. I don't feel lazy to learn skills or leave projects unfinished, half-assed. I feel like I actually have the ability to make a living off of acting, if I wanted to. I feel like I can accomplish just about anything because I feel like I can actually deal with anything that comes my way. I feel like I can be independent and not ruin half my clothing by mixing colours and whites when I do the laundry. I'm finally successful reading more than five minutes at a time. It's like I've reached that level of maturity that's ready to say goodbye to the ADD that has inflicted my brain for the past how many years. Finally, I'm not even afraid to apply for Ryerson's Theatre Program. I can barely wait.
