march 4, 2003
life is boring, life is dull, life is not giving me anything to work off of. i don't feel inspired, or anything. just clock in, clock out, get very little sleep, and wonder what the fuck to do about the decor for my 2 new rooms, and for my blog design.
BLAHHHHHHHH.
i think i need a trip, or something. to get me inspired. to get me writing, to get me designing, to get me working on the script. i worked on some ideas with v tonight. they seem good, but i'm so worried about.. well just about anything and everything. like getting licenses to film in certain locations, like a CLUB or a BAR. yay for that lack of moolah, you know what i'm saying?
and why is *everyone* hooking up? seriously, what is up with this whole 'hey tina, i'm getting some love and you're not. too bad, HUH.' well they don't say huh, 'cause nobody i know is that american. i'm so desperate to be touched, i ask my mother for a massage every day. people i would never normally consider attractive have started haunting my fantasies. HAUNTING i tell you. i'm not attracted to these people, i'm just fuckin desperate.
and i'm not the only one. but i know where to stop. and actually, when i get this desperate, i turn very cold and distant. and i start losing sleep. although i think this may have something to do with the fact that i've stopped eating about four hours before i fall asleep. this is a way to "speed up my metabolism" but all it's been doing is making me ridiculously starved and then it could possibly be why i'll go to bed at 7am and then wake up at 11am, instead of 3pm, which is considered normal. 11pm, not so much.
i've discovered this "plotter" thingy on wrongwaygoback that is kinda cool. you put your mouse over the little icons and the alt tags give you the plot twists. the green bed means the main character (who is "strong, sensitive, central, and female"... hey, that describes me a bit, don't it? ahh i'm just looking for a place in the world, a place i can be the fuckin heroine for a change) so back to the main tangent, the green bed means she makes love, and the red bed means she goes through a "dry spell."
i've been going through a dry spell since last spring! can you believe it? that's the last time i seriously had some loving, and even then it was sleazy and nasty and i regret it muchly, oh my god as if my level of integrity has sunk to this new level where i speak of my depressing, emo-girl, self-loathing pathetic attempt of a life. my self esteem sort of died a month ago and has left me in this pitying hole of doom ever since. nobody knows, or they know but have decided to leave me be. i've been trying to focus on my script WHICH MUST BE DONE IN T MINUS NINETEEN DAYS AHHHHHHHHHHHHH and learning flash/playing around with illustrator, and getting a new bloody nice blog template that will solve all of my problems. including the lack of a love life thing. right. war on iraq? what?
