and then you have to wonder if your current state of life will be considered wonderful a year from now. if your life really is just slowly but surely going downhill as the months go by. this is what it feels like to lose youth. but i've always said BULLSHIT to that. because i know there are people out there who have lived through two world wars and still have the exuberance of a twelve year old. you might get old, but the only thing you really lose is your ability to find wondrous things in the universe. you get weary and depressed and you blame it on your age.
well stop blaming it on arbitrary standards. the only reason you're not fun anymore is beccause you let yourself become that way. and when you do this when you are only in your twenties, imagine what the rest of your life is gonna be like. an uphill battle. a waste of space. i don't have a lot of philosophy in my life but one thing i have always TRULY believed in has been the idea that if you don't like your life, change it. easier said than done but you actually have the power to do it, so why the fuck not.
with that being said i'm gonna go to my first hiphop class tomorrow night. this is what happens when you decide to do something fun. when you're sick of only being capable of reminiscing of the good ol' times. i remember once overhearing my dad talking to my now deceased stepgrandfather on the phone about living in the past, and how that's the only way to live. and i guess when you have moved away from your friends and family and don't have that social network anymore, that's really all you can do. and i feel sorry for my older family - i do NOT want to turn out that way. i refuse to. i refuse to be that stubborn, to keep holding onto a life that doesn't exist anymore. and i know that when you get to be that age it's harder if not impossible to keep on keeping on but i want to hold onto this innocence, onto this sense of awe and wonder about the world. in my faithless world it's my only link to spirituality.
there are so many memories to be had. so fuckin many it would bring tears to my eyes if i were to walk down this road. but it's not just the nyquil that has brought this on, nor the fact that my life is not worth living right now (it is worth living right now i'm just numb to it). the fact is, i discovered a few livejournals tonight, livejournals written by my friends from grade school. a few of whom i have not talked to since the eighth grade. this is wondrously unexpected and so... pleasantly surprising. all these people who have left their mark on me, they've touched me in different ways, left their fingerprints all over my skin and for a while i could only hear their voices in my head, a hodge-podge of memories and artifacts in the kiddo museum of life. but now, finally, i have found their voices on the internet. hello.
