Note: I left a pair of old Adidas sneakers behind in London, when they complained that they liked Jaffa cakes and Channel 4 just a little too much. Now they're my underpaid slave correspondents. What? It's completely sane to talk to inanimate objects. Completely normal....
Democrazy by Damon Albarn - Rating: 2/10
LONDON, England - At the very back of this vintage records shop, you may recognize a conspicuously odd-looking chap stooped over the electronica section. His loud foot-tapping and even louder whistling may be annoying, but nothing beats the scowl he gives to every single organism he encounters inside the quiet, deserted store. His name? Damon Albarn. You may remember his masterpiece, the arena favourite "Song 2"; you may recognize his band, Blur, who helped define Britpop in the nineties; you may guess he has sold millions of copies of award-winning albums; and you probably hate his unibrow as much as we do.
Being the only other customers interested in electronica, we watch intently as Damon slowly picks up a record, grudgingly twirling it around with thumb and finger, as if it were an infested maggot nest. He sets it back down again, wiping his hand on his trousers. The look of pure loathing and disgust we got the pleasure of seeing on his face, is one interviewers know very well.
Lately though, he's not the only one who's been grimacing in disgust. Only a few days ago, an Ebay bidder by the name of "albarnxxx" began a suspicious-looking auction for a fresh batch of feces. That's right, you read correctly, someone was actually pathetic enough to sell their own shit online. And who did this lovely turd belong to, you ask? According to the auction details, it was Damon's.
We weren't even looking for him when we found his smelly old self at the record shop. And we had to ask ourselves if it was worth our lives to even bother asking for an interview. Albarn's been known to bite off journalists' heads for even acknowledging his presence. While we highly doubt Damon would be crazy enough to try biting an old pair of sneakers... Ahh fuck it, we have no doubt he would.
The only information we have regarding this auction was leaked to the media by one of Blur's manager's assistants: "It's all hush hush, but we believe that Damon was really bored one night, and took pictures of what he'd delivered in the loo, you know. Then he uploads the pictures to the internet, thinking it's a laugh, then he gets the brilliant idea to set up an Ebay auction for it. For his own shit. Sad, it really is, I mean, really! I never thought he'd hit such lows." According to our incredibly reliable sources, Damon was shouting down the phone in a drunken stupor to Blur's publicity representative, when he tried to contact Albarn regarding what was known to be only a rumour at the time. The story goes that Albarn was extremely rude over the phone, being piss drunk as per usual, and even tried to pull of an auctioneer's voice, advertising his own shit: "And next up for sale, we've got my very own poop. Do I have 5 dollar? Five dollar have I got 10? 10 dollar? We're looking for teeeeeeeeeeen dooooooollllaaaaaaar!"
When the publicity rep asked him point blank what the fuck he thought he was doing, Damon giggled, then defensively screamed "IT JUST SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME, OK?!"
We never got to talk to Mr. Albarn at said record shop in London. By the time this journalist team had gathered their collective nerve to even step in his direction, he'd already pilfered a good handful of records under his raggedy old jacket and made a quick dash for the door.
You think that's low? You think selling your shit online is bad? Try listening to his latest "album", Democrazy. The vinyl record is a limited-edition half-assed "masterpiece" that he lovingly refers to as a "a work-in-progress." The no-fi genius songs of yore were recorded during the Think Tank tour in hotel rooms, where Albarn apparently found no joy in sleeping. Instead, he tinkered with his various expensive instruments and came up with half-finished songs and some cool beats. Not surprisingly enough, they all sound like absolute shit. Maybe it's the fact that you can hear the insomnia and desperation in his voice. Maybe it's the empty feeling coming out of every single unfinished, unmastered, unproduced song. Maybe it's the fact that he's most likely making lyrics up as he goes along.
In our opinion, it takes a certain amount of conceitedness to be a British rockstar (unless you're Thom Yorke, in which case you're exempt from just about any British rockstar stereotype). Albarn certainly had a healthy amount of the conceit required to do the job, no doubt about it. But one must have the decency to realize that, in this day and age of peer-to-peer sharing technology, one's fans will surely download this album before buying, will surely listen to it for 30 tortured minutes, and will surely have the beautiful power to exercise deletion upon the foul beast. Why would you do this to yourself? Blur's label wouldn't even release it. Not a single human being living on this earth has the courage to endure a second listen. If a surge in conceit levels isn't Albarn's case, then perhaps pure stupidity is the answer. Or maybe he recorded, manufactured, distributed and advertised it all in a drunken rage. Whatever it was, Democrazy can only be seen as an omen, a warning from the gods, for all those conceited rockstars out there:
Before even thinking of releasing a pricey, limited edition, no-fi, work-in-progress album that is worth less than your own shit on Ebay, think of other money-making attention-grabbing tactics instead. We recommend murder or suicide. Be it withstanding bullets blazing your body, or attempting suicide that will later suspiciously appear to be homicide, just do it. Trust me, the money will come pouring in. By the buckets. And you won't have to die with your cheeks ablazen with embarrassment from having released absolutely horrifyingly embarrassing albums. Oh, the possibilities.
P.S. We take no responsibility for the stupid actions of readers who decide to kill themselves. Yeah. Just thought we'd clear that up now, just in case.. Yeah.
