it's definitely hypomania. i know solmaz disagrees with me, but i think i've finally figured it out. so listen up.
my problems with my "clearthink" being classified as hypomania was that it did not satisfy all of the criteria established in the DSM, e.g. distractability, impulsivity, racing thoughts, etc.
and quite frankly, a lot of what i experienced wasn't even listed in the criteria, e.g. mental clarity, complete ability to focus on anything, ridiculous level of comprehension, and many others.
the first person to suggest it was bipolar II was my doc, who i should probably mention is also a psychiatrist (she prescribed me zoloft at one point, i'll address that later). i didn't agree with her; however, she did have a good point: there were no other documented disorders where the person suddenly feels all these things (creative, confident, in control of everything, etc.) for a certain period of time.
a religious person could say that they had experienced an epiphany, that the clearthink was a sign from god. unfortunately, i'm not religious. so i couldn't just chalk it up to that.
when i first started describing it to people, i would say how "normal" me was the "wrong" me. i thought i had brain fog, ADD, chronic fatigue, anything that could possibly describe how i was like. when i posted on various mental health websites, people chalked it up to one of these things as well. mostly because people can be hypochondriacs and don't typically know what they're talking about. frustratingly enough, i could not satisfy the criteria for any of these syndromes.
my friends told me i was perfectly fine. especially my boyfriend.
i didn't believe them.
then i started talking to someone on #mefi about it, someone who had bipolar disorder. she said that what i had experienced was a lot like what she experienced in hypomanic episodes. "you just feel good. like everything you're doing is right." exactly! i told her. but her husband, who is also bipolar, disagreed. i was still clueless.
then last week in psych we discussed bipolar disorder. now, most of this was review for me, having researched the shit out of bipolar and knowing more than i really needed to know. BUT! what i hadn't realized was that some patients don't just magically switch from normal to manic states. in many cases, a person will gradually go from normal to hypomanic/manic over a period of time, and each day they will show more and more symptoms. so technically, there was a period of time where you only experience mild hypomanic symptoms.
"mild hypomania"
googled.
20,700 results.
it exists.
and i even found an article about a woman who described her descent into bipolar, and in the beginning of the hypomania episode, it sounds almost exactly like me, well except for the sluttiness:
'This is the point in the bipolar story at which you’re supposed to book a first-class ticket to Paris and spend $30,000 in one weekend at the Plaza Athénée. Or look on amazed, or terrified, as the sunlight metamorphoses into a band of descending seraphim. Or systematically begin to date all 525,003 men in your Friendster personal network. But the reality is that nothing of the sort happened—I simply felt smarter, funnier, cooler, prettier, better than I had before. I had fabulous concentration, was undistracted by any edge of competition or envy, and found that I could function easily on five or six hours of sleep. I went out to parties often, dressed in tight fuchsia tops and barely there miniskirts. No one was saying no to me; “no” was not an acceptable answer.'
she then goes on how to tell a story about how she once broke her shoe, had to cab back to her place, and called the cops on the driver when he refused to wait for her... that's when the similarities stop.
SO... where does that leave us?
well, from my own diagnosis, i can pretty much 95% guarantee my "clearthink" was in reality, just a mild hypomanic episode. it was nothing special, there is no genius area in my brain that i stumbled into and tragically lost. as my doctor said, "we all wish we could be in that 'up' state of mind 24/7... reality is, it doesn't happen that way."
the other "evidence" for all of this is that i do suffer from depression, but i'm not going to get into that... people always tell me "who doesn't?" and it's true, almost everyone experiences depression from time to time. what sets disorder depression apart from normal depression is that it must be quite debilating to the person's life. in my case, that has been true on several occasions.
which brings me to my next point. apparently there is now an alleged "bipolar III." this is when patients who have been on antidepressant medication start having manic episodes. i was on zoloft for half a year. this could explain something. however, this was also a few years before i had my first hypomanic episode, so i'm not sure.
the point is, it might come back and if it does, then i'm supposed to tell my doctor. the problem is, i don't want to. she'll put me on medication and the way i see it, if i'm not psychotic, i don't need it. there is no need to dope me up and make me dumber than i already am when my symptoms are purely harmless. if i were to start acting like i was jesus christ and attempting to fly off rooftops, i can assure you people would get me the help i needed. if all i'm gonna experience out of this is mental clarity, then fuck you, don't take it away. in fact, bring it back.
and that's what the l-tyrosine is for. but that's for another day.
